So for Spring Break I’m doing the Gwyneth Paltrow “easy” cleanse. I figure, it was now or never and since it was most likely to be “never” I would go with now. Basically the rules are as follows:
1. Liquids only for breakfast and dinner.
2. Lunch is the only meal with “solids.”
3. No caffeine.
4. No alcohol
5. No soy. No wheat. No dairy. No gluten.
I’ve still got two more days to go. So far – so… uh… okay. Although I have noticed that my face is less puffy and that I don’t really hate Gwyneth Paltrow as much as I used to. So there’s that. To mark my (little over a half way mark) of my 5 day “cleanse” I offer here, tips for you, in case you want to hate Gwyneth Paltrow a little less yourself (and maybe cleanse something).
5 Tips for Doing Your Gwyneth Paltrow “easy” cleanse:
#5: Day 1 isn’t that bad.
Day 2 is bad, but in that really jokey way where it goes by faster than you thought since you spend most of the day joking with your Husband about how awesome bread would be. Day 3 though, Day 3 is the day you go a bit “Celebrity Rehab” and think about telling some imaginary camera guy to “get out of my face” and then you want to knock your freaking glass of water off the table and drink some damn ice tea.
Day 3 is also the day that Husband finds out you are doing this cleanse for five days and he says “how about 40 days?” And you look at him and say “how about you do it for just ONE day?” as he’s heating up his frozen burritos at 9:30 at night in your microwave.
#4: Do not go shopping for Easter Candy on Day 3.
Just don’t do it. Seriously. Don’t. First you’ll buy everything. Then you’ll think “Am I buying too much?” And then you’ll spot some white chocolate decadent eggs and you’re entire body will tingle because, yes please. It’s for the kids. Ooooo Reese’s… for the kids. After you check out you will stick everything in the trunk and then tell yourself that you won’t unload it into the house as to not derail your cleanse. And then you will spend the rest of the day, the entire day, thinking about the white chocolate in your trunk.
Stuff that works – get out and go for a walk to check the mail instead of walking to your trunk. DO NOT bring the keys to the car, just the key to the mailbox.
Have some peppermint tea. This is supposed to be the thing. OHHHHH so you want some refined sugar compressed into white chocolatey goodness? Drink some peppermint tea.
Try not to take out your anger on the peppermint tea. If you can, sit and enjoy your time with the peppermint tea.
Lunch will come and you’ll think “I’m going to scarf some white chocolate!” But then you will remember that, no, no refined sugar. No dairy. No wheat. No nothing. OH MY GOD Gwyneth Paltrow HOW DO YOU EVER GO TO CVS?!
#3: Facebook is not a good place to be if you are cleansing.
---People be posting pictures of all kinds of food like it’s going out of style!--- No but for serious I’m glad that you are so inspired to make chocolate chip, marshmallow, caramel, hazelnut, Elmo shaped brownies with whip cream on top and thank you for torturing me Facebook style.
FYI Facebook is not scratch and sniff, nor does it provide just a little taste if you lick your monitor.
Also- mmmmm chocolate chip, marshmallow, caramel, hazelnut, Elmo shaped brownies with whip cream.
#2.5: No seriously- stay off the FaceSpace
You ever notice how many dang people put up pictures of their sushi? How about their steaks? Fancy desserts? Oh, everybody loves a good up close shot of their fancy dessert before they dive right in to eating said fancy dessert. And—back to my chicken broth.
#2: In which I go to get a massage (Day 2) and a Facial (Day 4)
Man, cleansing is damn expensive. We’ll see if Husband wants to support this for forty freaking days. But it’s nice to do something nice for yourself whilst you are pretending like there isn’t bags of chocolatey goodness in your trunk.
#1: Bell Peppers & Carrots are the new Mike & Ikes.
It happened on Day 3. I was in the grocery store thinking about what elaborate meal I was going to make for my one meal of the day. Did I want some amazing salmon with arugula? How about some asparagus stuffed chicken? And then it came to me, bell peppers and carrots. I wanted bell peppers and carrots. I wanted to chop them up and to taste them. And I mean really TASTE them. I was getting excited just thinking about it. I would make my garlic lemon sauce and I would have bell peppers and carrots (and chicken). And let me tell you, those bell peppers tasted just amazingly sweet. And those carrots were better than an afternoon pick me up of Mike & Ikes or Skittles.
For a good, oh hour – it was the best damn meal I’d ever had.
And that’s something pretty awesome about the whole thing. Because I was relegated to just one meal a day, that meal became THE meal. I really took my time with it. I took time to eat, enjoy, and relax. I took time to make something complicated, full of flavors and satisfying. I wasn’t just concerned with “gotta get something before I move on to something else” and settling on BBQ chips. I was mindful in my meal because I wanted to remember every damn taste for the rest of the freaking day.
Now does that mean I didn’t just a little while later sit in my chair obsessing about the damn white chocolate eggs in the car? Nah. I can’t imagine what Gwyneth’s dreams are like. It’s probably all Willy Wonka in there. A river of chocolate?! A garden made of candy?! Everlasting gobstoppers!!!!!! And then the Oompa Loompa’s come out to sing a song about her as she sticks her face in the chocolate river and inhales.
Day 4--- tomorrow.
About This Blog:
This is the stuff I do to survive Graduate School.
It's also other stuff I do in life.
My life is mostly Graduate School.
Cutcha RIsling Baldy is a PhD Candidate in Native American Studies at UC Davis.