People Magazine is trying to tell me that Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive OR If Taika Waititi isn't the sexiest man alive this year then what is even the point of any of this - life, breathing... any of it?

People Magazine and The Voice made some kind of deal with the Devil where the Devil was like "hey, you will convince the world that The Voice coaches are the sexiest men alive." Because that's two out of two current Voice coaches who were named sexiest men alive (and none of them are Pharrell). 

Exhibit A: 2013

Exhibit B: Today. 2017. 

People Magazine is trying to convince me that these two dudes from The Voice are the sexiest men alive. But this is not a blog to drag People Magazine and their (often very white) list of sexiest men alive. Even though... Exhibit C:

This is not even a blog entry to throw side eye at Blake Shelton who has a history of racism and homophobia (unapologetic racism and homophobia). This is not even a blog entry where I'm just going to write: BUT BUT  IDRIS ELBA... over and over again until my hand cramps. 

There are several think pieces about "men of color who could also be sexiest man alive" because... apparently People Magazine still hasn't gotten the memo. So I'm not going to do that either. I'm just going to use this blog entry as a way to say "I don't depend on People Magazine to tell me who the sexiest men alive are because People Magazine don't know." And also "hey guess what it's high time we had some Indigenous men appreciation because we were here first, so we've been sexiest men-ing alive this place since year 1." 

So here is my list of "Five Indigenous Sexiest Men Alive" that may not be on the cover of People Magazine but  are quite rightly on the cover of this blog. 

Obvious answer is obvious. If Taika Waititi (Maori) isn't the sexiest man alive this year then what is even the point of any of this - life, breathing... any of it? This year Waititi did many sexy things - like he made Thor relevant, and he actually made me go to the movies with my family and not once wish that I had stayed home to watch something on Netflix. He's a director, an actor, and basically if you don't know who he is by now you best watch  this, this and this and then COME CORRECT. #GIVEHIMTHECOVEROFALLMAGAZINES

Other obvious answer is obvious. I'm just going to leave this here. And then I'm going to say "Jason Mamoa is a living, breathing man walking this earth." And he's got a movie to promote. And he's alive. So when we're talking "Sexiest Man ALIVE" ahem. #NowTryNotToSpendTheNextTwentyMinutesGooglingPicsOfJasonMamoa 

No seriously SHUT THE FRONT DOOR People Magazine. Like GET OUT. Don't even come at me right now. This is Michael Greyeyes (Plains Cree from the Muskeg Lake First Nation in Saskatchewan) and he's on Fear The Walking Dead right now and basically I CANNOT NOT WITH YOU ANY MORE. 

 I'm very happy that I can legit spend an hour of my day googling images of sexy Native men for your viewing pleasure. But it's also starting to make me very, very angry. I mean COME ON. Martin Sensmeier (Tlingit, Koyukon-Athabascan) is straight up legit a real live person and guess what - he also has a movie to promote. A possible OSCAR CONTENDING movie. AND GUESS WHAT this is him just hanging out in a gray t-shirt. I swear People Magazine wants to fight. They are like "come at me. Look it's Blake Shelton!" #NahImGood

True story about Jemaine Clement (Maori). He was filming a movie in our small town just this past year. And my BFF texts me and says "I just saw the best looking dude I have ever seen in our town walking down the street. I kind of wanted to stop him and say 'how did you get here? What are you doing here? It was like seeing a unicorn in real life. He did not leave a trail of glitter or rainbows behind him, but I'm sure he could have." Later I told her about Jemaine being in town and she was like "that was him! That's the unicorn!" That's right. He's a damn Unicorn. #IndigenousHipsterUnicorn

I could do this all day. Don't get me started on the amazing Native activists who are protecting our environment for future generations. Or even some of the super awesome Indigenous academics  who are disrupting settler colonialism. That would be a fun list. "Allow me to objectify a bunch of Indigenous men academics, all in the name of shaming People Magazine of course (of course)." With my luck it would go all kinds of viral and then suddenly I'm expected to include it in my tenure file. 

Point? That point is that People Magazine just farted this issue out didn't they? They just went to work and were all "okay, let's see, we haven't done a coach on The Voice in like a few years. Let's go with that." 

​And if Taika Waititi isn't the sexiest man alive this year THEN WHAT IS EVEN LIFE?