Part III: I never thought I'd have to become a frigging Andrew Jackson scholar or that I would find myself googling "Did Andrew Jackson have tiny hands?" but here we are

So zombie Andrew Jackson (AKA Donald Trump, AKA our new President, AKA AAAAAAHHHHH) decided to hang up a portrait of Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office. 
 
NO I'M SERIOUS. From thehill.com: 

President Trump hung a portrait of Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office on Tuesday, The New York Times reports, an apparent nod to the populist sentiments of the new administration.
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Trump has also expressed admiration for the seventh president, as well, calling Jackson “an amazing figure in American history — very unique so many ways,” through a spokesperson last week.

Thanks to my friend Ozzie for the pic!

So this is what it feels like to finally realize you are not preparing to fight a person, but instead must go in ready to fight the undead. This is that moment that someone looks up and is like "oh, right, you're the zombie ice king, you're real, you're about to send a bunch of skeletons at me. This is why I wasn't supposed to go beyond the wall." 
                           
And then you immediately head to the library and find the card in the card catalog that says "defeating white walkers" and it's all "F'IN DRAGON GLASS YOU DUMMIES. WE TOLD YOU WINTER WAS COMING." 
 
That's how I feel right at this moment. Like I'm in the library staring at some old book which, as I read it, the music swells and I start scribbling on a pad of paper "He IS Andrew Jackson." 

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​​Look, at this point, it just wouldn't surprise me. You know what WOULD surprise me, finding out that Trump is actually just a remote control robot that is being operated by the same Illuminati group that operates Glenn Beck. That would surprise me. It wouldn't FLOOR me at this point, but I'd be like "wow." 
 
But if tomorrow Trump got up on stage, proceeded to take off his wig and wipe the make up off his face and revealed that yes, he is in fact ZOMBIE ANDREW JACKSON and he's NEVER LEAVING I would look over to my Husband and say "CALLED IT!" 
 
Yet, my more analytical side usually wins over. What are the real odds that he's an illuminati, stem-cell drinking Death-Becomes-Her (ooooo young people,  you will not get that reference. Watch this) immortal? (45.5% THAT'S MY ODDS)
 
So here I am researching Andrew Jackson in the hopes of passing along information so that everyone can understand why it matters that Trump chose Mr. Trail of Tears/ Kill Indians/ F the Supreme Court/ I am the King of the World to hang in his office, glaring at him with a look that says DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR? I KNOW YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT.  
 
This has obviously become part of a series FYI so if you want to catch up read: 

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Part 1: In Which we discuss the two Presidential candidates or history is as history does

Part II: ​Andrew Jackson (AKA Donald Trump) is President once again… now what? or I can’t guarantee that this blog entry won’t just devolve into a bunch of angry face emojis

And now Part III: Revenge of the Sith (no I'm kidding, kind of).

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​Part III: I never thought I'd have to become a frigging Andrew Jackson scholar or that I would find myself googling "Did Andrew Jackson have tiny hands?" but here we are

Actual flyer made to point out that Jackson acted more like a King than a President.

​I'm trying to figure out what happens next. If Trump is point blank trying to tell us that yes, he does align himself with Andrew Jackson, then what does that mean? What happens next? 
 
In Part I I told you that means he will follow through with what he said he was going to do. Jackson was clear about what he was going to do (kill Indians) and then he did it (Trail of Tears) even though the Supreme Court told him not to. Also he was going to spend time finding new ways to consolidate power to the President (did that too).
 
In Part II I told you that it means Trump was going to act more like a king than a President, and then he would only hire people that would agree with him, and yes he was damn serious about rounding people up and kicking them out of the country. 
 
Now that Trump has checked all of those things off the list in the FIRST TWO WEEKS. What happens now? What next? 

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Andrew Jackson was totes into Russia ​

​On December 8, 1829 Jackson gave a speech to Congress where he said:

​In Russia, placed by her territorial limits, extensive population, and great power high in the rank of nations, the United States have always found a steadfast friend. Although her recent invasion of Turkey awakened a lively sympathy for those who were exposed to the desolation of war, we can not but anticipate that the result will prove favorable to the cause of civilization and to the progress of human happiness. The treaty of peace between these powers having been ratified, we can not be insensible to the great benefit to be derived by the commerce of the United States from unlocking the navigation of the Black Sea, a free passage into which is secured to all merchant vessels bound to ports of Russia under a flag at peace with the Porte. 

​Translation: Okay yeah, they are invading countries and sure some people might have sympathy for those invaded people but really Russia has stuff that we might want (like oil) and we could probably get more things if we just ignore all the other stuff (like war crimes) so...

Kind of like how Jackson 2.0 (Trump) is considering a "reset" with Russia so that we can get at all of Russia's stuff.

The real question people have to start asking themselves is not who is in the cabinet but who is in the "Kitchen Cabinet?"

This image is the top of a cigar box that shows Peggy meeting Andrew Jackson and then two dudes fighting over her.

​Andrew Jackson had his official cabinet of folks who were supposedly advising and helping him run things. However, at a point they all started fighting with each other because they were a group of petty people who seemed to be more concerned with their rivalries and gaining influence over Andrew Jackson than with actually running the country. 
                
Sound familiar? (We see you Jared Kushner and Kelly Anne blonde lady.)
 
During Jackson's term this resulted in the "Petticoat affair" which when I tell you about it you are going to be like "OH MY GAWD PLEASE STOP BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL." 

You will also realize that people in the 1800s were not at all above some Real Housewives level shenanigans. 

In this episode of the Real Housewives of the 1800s we have Floride Calhoun (no I'm serious, no really) who was the wife of the Vice-President John Calhoun. And she was like "Oh my gawd, Peggy Eaton is so basic." And Peggy Eaton's husband, John Eaton, who was the Secretary of War, was like "STOP BEING SO MEAN TO MY WIFE YOU GUYZZZZ." And then Floride Calhoun (best name for a Real Housewife EVER) was all "Let's be mean to Peggy Eaton and make it so nobody ever hangs out with her because I think that she talks a lot and she's not a proper lady and I think that John Eaton liked her even when she was married...SCANDAL." And then John Eaton was like "I HATE YOU GUYS SOOOO MUCH." 

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Dang Floride, you harsh.

No seriously, consider that there was an "anti-Peggy coalition" in Washington because of course there was. 
 
Anyway, Jackson's niece (who was also serving as his First Lady because he was a widower) she was like "Oh my goodness Floride you are so right. Peggy is the worst, she is so not fetch." And Floride was all... wait for it... "STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN Andrew Jackson's niece." 
 
The only person in the cabinet who sided with the Eatons was Martin Van Buren, and this made Andrew Jackson happy. At a point Jackson looked around and went "this some bullshit" and when Martin Van Buren offered to resign, Jackson took that as a chance to make all of his cabinet resign. 
 
Why do we have to know this story? Because it's some bullshit, but also because what ended up really happening was that Andrew Jackson's cabinet was so cray they basically stopped having any meetings. So while people thought they knew who the cabinet was Jackson was actually getting most of his advice and guidance from an unofficial group of friends. Some of the press started calling it Jackson's "Kitchen Cabinet." 
 
One of the key members -- Francis Preston Blair who GET THIS was an editor and journalist who ran a news organization that chiefly served as a propaganda instrument from Jackson's party. That's right, he relied mainly on a guy who used to write fake news for a living. SOUND FAMILIAR (I used to think it was Steve Bannon but it's Alex Jones you guys. THIS GUY. THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE.)
 
Pay attention - look for the "Kitchen Cabinet." Everybody else is just fighting with each other about who is more basic (you all are. You are all the most basic).

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Andrew Jackson made a plan to use the U.S. military to invade states that were saying laws and policies are unconstitutional

Take a knee and consider this. I'm not going to argue that South Carolina was right. I'm not going to argue that Andrew Jackson was wrong (I don't need to, because he's always wrong, ALWAYS). I'm not even going to argue the merits of imposing tariffs on foreign goods or whether or not it actually did come down to slavery (it did). I'm just going to present the following: 

In 1833 Andrew Jackson went to Congress and pressed them to pass the "Force Bill." This bill would authorize Jackson to use the army to force South Carolina to abide by tariffs that were being imposed on foreign made goods. At the time, the "Tariff of Abominations" (as so named by the southern States) meant that there was a 62% tax on 92% of all imported goods. According to South Carolina this was mostly to benefit the North, where they relied on manufacturing for jobs and money and it punished the South, who had to pay out the wazoo for their goods.  South Carolina turns around and goes "THIS CRAP IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL dummy" and they pass their own law that says they don't got to abide by no tariff no more.

Andrew Jackson was pissed. Surprisingly so. Many people expected him not to be pissed, and in fact the more you learn about him the more you'd think he'd be like "damn, they told you Federal Government!" However, he was pissed. So much so that he went to Congress and basically said "you have to let me have the power to send in the Feds! They don't get to declare sanctuary cities and spaces! This is about the union!" 

And Congress did. 

Congress passed the Force Bill which said that Andrew Jackson could invade a state because they were refusing to abide by what they thought was an unconstitutional and illegal law. 

That's just something people should know. When our current President threatens to withhold Federal funding from states that are declaring sanctuary cities for immmigrants; when he tells Chicago he's going to "send in the feds" we have to believe that he means it. Keep your eye on the prize, which is the power to do what he wants. 

In the end he did not get to invade South Carolina because Congress made a last minute deal so that South Carolina would abide by the tariffs. And according to some historians, Jackson had been on the edge of his seat ready to go in, he wanted to attack -- he wanted to attack U.S. citizens.

Did Andrew Jackson have tiny hands?

Was he also, in fact, a "short fingered vulgarian?" Evidence has not swayed me one way or the other (he wore a lot of gloves, they could have been stuffed gloves). I have a feeling if I asked Jackson he'd go "what? no? who cares? I have a big cane. A huge cane. A tremendous cane. Just huge. That's all that matters." 
 
It's always really about the size of their cane. 

Now what? 

​The other day I was texting with my friend and I wrote "If I disappear Zombie Andrew Jackson has taken me." I then said "That's going to be the first line of my book of essays." 
 
Sometimes I convince myself I'm getting a little too close to the truth. Maybe he's not reanimated Andrew Jackson, maybe he's just worshipping at the altar of Jackson and talking to Jackson's portrait in his office promising that he will "finish what you started!"
 
Like this: 

​But what it really means is that our continuing colonial narrative of American exceptionalism and whitewashing history to make President's more palatable, that really matters. It constantly comes back to bite us, doesn't it? 
 
Sometimes I'll get students in class and they'll say "we can't teach about American Presidents as some of the worst people? We can't just teach all this bad stuff. We can learn all that stuff later. But when we are growing we have to teach us about the positives so that we don't have nightmares." 
 
But really, it's so we don't have to own up to ongoing settler colonialism. We act like all of these things couldn't happen so that they continue to happen. It becomes hard for us to imagine a world where our President would actually round people up and kill them all, illegally, even though the Supreme Court told them not to - but it already happened. It is hard for us to imagine that our President would make a plan to invade one of our states and not make efforts to avoid having to go to war with their own people - but it already happened. We can barely imagine that one of our President's would be beholden to propaganda news and get his facts and information from a propaganda news site and not from informed people in government positions - but it already happened. 
 
So when it's happening to us, we still don't want to believe it. We want to think we can reason with ourselves, that maybe we are seeing things that are not there. It's such a shock. It should not be a shock.

Andrew Jackson was an asshole; we should call him that.
 
We can and should be critical of our past leaders so that we can learn how to be critical and responsive to our current leaders. They can shout at us all they want that this is for "the union" or "the people" but it is up to us to shout right back "we are the people." 
 
We are the narrative. 
We are the story. 
We are the voices that will set the tone for our next generations. 
The ones who will tear down the wall. 
The ones who will stand up for equality. 
The ones who will march together. 
The ones who will proclaim at the top of their lungs "Andrew Jackson was an asshole. And he will never be allowed in the Oval Office again."